The Unexpected Gift of Agony

I was recently initiated into that exclusive club: “By Far The Worst Pain I’ve Ever Experienced Or Ever Hope To.”  A few kidney stones had decided it was time leave the mother ship.  I’m told some women say it’s the equivalent of childbirth.  Perhaps the biggest gift of this assault (after the sweet kiss of lightning drugs) is its impact on my struggle with violence.  Awakened is a new depth of reality: I would never want to inflict on another the pain of my recent trips to the ER.  And that’s not always been the case.

I’m not a murderer in this life, nor is physical force my default tool for navigating the world, but its propensity, its vibration, is an intimate, familiar presence in my being from incarnations past.  Going by my father and his father, as well as my mother, I chose in this life a genetic lineage that included its fair share of rigidity, rage, control, and unpredictable violence.  That imprint is one of my sacred teachers, something I’ve needed to embrace and free.  My wife, my dearest friend for more than 40 years, who has never come close to threatening me physically, and who regularly touches me lovingly––even she finds there are still occasions when, reaching her hand to my cheek, I flinch.

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My Young Relatives: The Universe’s Response to Exceptional Craziness

What’s special about them, given their age, is the quality of light their presence contributes. To me, experiencing that light is like a kiss from the gods.

Hanging out before a recent family wedding, I say to my 17 year-old nephew, Jordan, whom I’d seldom seen and with whom I’d never had a real conversation, “So, here’s my question to you.  Let’s assume we never meet again after today.  At my age, and how infrequently our paths cross, that’s a definite possibility.  What I’d love to know, if you’re willing to share, is––what is the most important thing you’ve learned in 17 years?”  After several seconds reflection, he says, “You can influence others a lot more with compassion than in any other way.”

I don’t know how I might have answered such a question at his age, but that sure wasn’t it.  “Wow,” I say.  “Good for you.  How did you learn that?”

“From watching the people around me,” he says.

And so began a lovely chat I hope we continue about what it means to be an awake human being––just about my favorite topic.

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Young at Love II

In honor of the 2015 Supreme Court decision on gay marriage, an essay from 2009:

Vermont’s historic legislative affirmation of gay marriage is a beautiful thing.  But that doesn’t stop me from rolling my eyes.  That we debate the appropriateness of the heart’s elemental impulse to join with one’s beloved suggests just how young we are in the scheme of human evolution.  Heck, a turnip should be able to marry a basketball, if such an act increases the world’s love supply.

Now there’s a dangerous possibility.

What if boosting the planet’s woo-woo quotient were indeed the criterion to marry––or, more significantly, to stay married.  Given our nation’s divorce rate (50 percent, give or take), a whole bunch of us might not make the cut.

Just as we renew our driver’s license, we and our spouse would have our heart’s union assayed every so often.  Don’t laugh, we have the technology.  Check the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, or the 2009 TV drama “Lie to Me”.  And if we’re not generating good vibrations, our marriage license is suspended til we wise up.

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Why Torture Was Inevitable

Contributing to our nation’s use of torture as a legitimate tool of national security is the absence of a particular event soon after September 11, 2001.  Our president, at least to my ear, did not address the American people with a statement of this nature:

“Among the most important questions we ask ourselves as human beings is ‘Who will I be or die trying?’  Whether as individuals, as members of a family, a town, a religion, a business, and of course as citizens of a nation and the world––how we engage that question day-to-day defines our life in indelible ways.

“The question’s ongoing presence in our consciousness helps us be mindful of the direction we choose to point our inner compass: the values we hold sacred; the principles and practices we are committed to have guide our actions.  Meanwhile, we know that honoring these essential commitments will be forever a work in progress.  And, more than that, we know that certain events will test our commitments with all but unimaginable pain and heartbreak.

“Today our nation is confronted by such a test.

“To be sure, this isn’t the first time the soul of America has been challenged, nor will it be the last.  As in the past, how we respond in the next days, weeks, months and even years to this wound––this purposeful act of horror––will define our nation far into the future.  May our response be an example to our children and grandchildren of what it means to manage adversity well.

“To this end, I would like to set forth what I feel are our priorities at this time.  I’m speaking of priorities beyond taking swift, appropriate action to protect our nation and the world from terrorism and to hold accountable those responsible for this barbarous action.

“Our first priority is to provide loving comfort to those who have lost family, friends, loved ones and colleagues in this excruciating tragedy.

“Our second priority is to be kind to ourselves and one another––emotionally, spiritually, even physically––as we begin to absorb, and learn from, the profound shock of this assault on ourselves, on our nation, and on the world at large.

“Our third priority is to very actively, consciously and deliberately reflect on what it means to be an American.  Who are we at our best?  Who are we committed to being in the face of anything––no matter how brutal?  What values will guide our choices as we respond to those who have attempted, painfully to be sure but ultimately unsuccessfully, to terrorize us?  How will we respond to these horrific acts so that we become stronger, healthier, more resilient, first as human beings, then as a nation and as a responsible world leader?

“I encourage us all, and the organizations of which we are a part––including schools, religions, professional and civic groups––to actively address these essential questions, and to share what we are learning with one another and the world.

“Among the vast resources that define The United States of America, none is more essential to our well being than the clarity we bring to the values that anchor our actions.  In demanding times like these that anchor is more precious than ever.”

Etcetera.

Would a presidential declaration in this spirit, no doubt put more eloquently than I’m able, have altered our nation’s use of torture in response to the events of 9/11?  Possibly, but surely without such an attempt to publicly affirm the foundation of values upon which we as a nation make decisions, torture and other mindless choices were reasonably inevitable.  We humans are, after all, masters of rationalization; fear unmanaged always harms; and it’s handy to remember that the maxim “A stiff prick knows no conscience” is about a lot more than men and sex.

But no matter what near-term impact on interrogation techniques remarks like these might have elicited, longer-term their potential benefit to the nation could have been considerable.

Imagine looking back and learning from our choices since 9/11 through the prism of this kind of presidential leadership.  Imagine, for example, how it might have served the many armed forces men and women whose post-combat treatment by the Veterans Administration has been inconsistent at best, and some would say unconscionable in its lapses.  And what about in other arenas?  How does who we’re committed to being or die trying as a nation square with the reality that most Americans can become financially devastated because of their health?

Clarity on who we will be or die trying doesn’t, in itself, solve a single problem.  What it does is help establish a fertile framework for each of us to address the underlying aspiration of every reasonably healthy person (or nation): to take action with confidence that the action we’re taking is the healthiest choice for us in that moment.

Providing perspective that helps others take such action is leadership at its best.  Those who aspire to provide such leadership, and recognize that nobody gets to the Olympics without a coach, are among those whom I gratefully serve.

"I honor that we are killing the earth for the same reason I consider being an alcoholic a privilege: it is a doorway to the profound self-understanding required to make truly healthy choices."

The Essay: Honoring the Killing of the Earth